Hello again friends and thank you for stopping by the ’Air Mail’ blog here at ‘Motocross Saved My Life’s website. With the current status of the world and it’s all encompassing chaos, I thought it would be a good idea to get back to something that I truly love, writing. Without a doubt, the last few months for Gisela and I, and most of you I am sure, has grown increasingly hectic. Without picking a start or an end point, as to how we got to where we now are, or where we are headed for that matter, I am again reminded of what is most important in life, to ‘me’. The operative word in that sentence being ‘me’, as we are all different. Obviously what works for one, may not work for another. When I wrote ‘Motocross Saved My Life From It’s Darkness’, I took a full two years off of the social media platform of Facebook while doing so. Without having the daily ‘habitual’ distractions of trying to keep up on everything and everyone, on a seemingly need to know basis, I was able remain uni-focussed on the arduous task at hand of writing and processing my life. Doing this, helped me maintain a sole vision in my mind of what I wanted the final product to look like, feel like and convey. I have just read through the book again and believe that everything that I sacrificed by doing so, was well worth it.
For the two years that I wrote, I hated almost every single thing about myself, while self loathing and re-living every gut wrenching moment. I have had many of you reach out to me after reading my memoir, I thank you all for that. I have also sincerely appreciated your feedback. As a result of all of this, it has only strengthened my personal resolve, to continue to carry my message of hope for all of ‘Mankind’, who has struggled or is struggling. The world may seem an uncertain and chaotic mess at times, but after the life I have led to this point, my common denominator will always now be one of hope. Living daily with my many physical and mental health demons, has in a way, been a blessing. Only because it reminds me in every moment of uncertainty, heartache, physical and or mental pain, surgery, infection or whatever, that it is only a temporary situation. You may have heard, ‘This too shall pass’. I will be the first to admit that my innate response to this cliche’ at times, has been a single digit, flightless bird, hand signal. I now know that type of attitude is a death sentence for people like me. Daily positive conditioning is a must or else bad things will happen!
Facing certain realities head on about one’s self being, or other extraneously exhausting scenarios like the one that the world is now confronted with, can be deflating and demoralizing if we let it… It does not have to be though, at least in my opinion anyway. I have medical procedures that have now been cancelled but believe that everything is happening for a reason. Do I want to know the reasons, absolutely not. I have heard it over and over again, that happiness is a choice. Indeed it is. I only know this as a result of living daily with PTSD Depression and a laundry list of other health issues for many years. On the daily, I must make a conscious effort to focus forward positively and count my blessings. Trust me, there are so many blessings, but I often need to remind myself that they are there. The fact that you are reading this, is all the proof I need in this moment. It is a blessing. Again I thank you for your support of what I believe is and can be a greater good. I have personally harboured enough anger, emotional and physical pain, frustration and despair for a lifetime. Not to mention the hurt and despair I have caused others. A colleague of mine and I used joke at the City of Vancouver about ‘the war being over’ at the time, mine certainly was not. Today, even though I battle daily, I no longer feel like I am in a physical and mental health ‘war.’ In the same sense that I will only ever have an alcohol problem again, if I pick up a drink and make it my problem. Living in the mental health or ‘mental wealth’ solution, is a personal battle for each individual afflicted. It is something we must address and meet head on daily. Prayer is powerful, it works, for me anyway. Even if my morning prayer is like this and trust me, many are “Hey S.O.B. in the sky, I can’t do this by myself today, I need your help, help give me the strength I need to fight through another day” My point is that, there are no rules and trust me, God is a great listener.
There are no guarantees and no real blueprint for success either. I do not know what will work for someone else. All I can ever do is share my own personal experiences, strengths and hopes. In my case, I have two physical therapists a psychologist and a doctor who I confide in. As I say this, it seems that the goal posts on strength’s and weakness have moved considerably in my lifetime in this regard. I will not say that completely gone are the ‘suck it up butter cup’ days but…….Somehow I have found strength in weakness, even if that weakness is the vulnerability or genuine humility to say, ‘Hey, I can not do this on my own, I need help’ Pride is one of the ’Seven Deadly Sins’ for a reason! It may not be a spoon full of sugar on the way down, but for me it is best swallowed whole daily!
Being one who has felt the pain, suffering and despair of sitting for hours with a serrated knife pressed tightly to the pulse of his own lifeline, I now know and believe first hand that there is always hope. Depression is not and does not have to be a death sentence. However, from what I have experienced on my own journey, I now believe that my symptoms were present long before recognizing them. Years before my spinal cord, brain injuries and substance abuse! Another huge problem, (thankfully no longer for me) is worrying about the stigmatism attached to ‘Mental Health’ claims. For example PTSD was first recognized by the American Psychiatric Association in 1980 but recognized it as a ‘Mental Health’ disorder. I can wholeheartedly agree that it is indeed that, but… I also believe as a result of the stigma attached to the term ‘Mental Health Disorder’ in itself, since its inception (and still to this day) has prejudiced and handicapped many from gaining personal help or helpful insight for loved ones. Again, my mantra is to be, ‘part of the solution’ and pontificate as loudly as I can as a voice of hope. On a somewhat related advocation note, I also believe that the neck brace that I was wearing when I made a ‘human taco’’ out of myself, saved my life. If you are going to ride a dirt bike, don’t walk, RUN and buy yourself a neck brace. No matter what you have heard or think, I will always believe in my heart, that the only reason that I am still here (besides the unconditional love of my best friend and soul mate Gisela) is that I had a neck brace on when it mattered the most. Friends, let’s make this matter always, you never know when it may matter most and you are worth it, I believe that. Zoe, thank you for passing along a copy of Motocross Saved My Life’ to Dr. Chris Leatt. I have no financial affiliation with any neck brace companies. Atlas Brace has a great product as well and has always supported my efforts. For that I am grateful. I am also grateful to see the passion that they have for keeping our riders and our sports future as safe as possible. At the end of the day, seeing more neck braces at the Motocross track will put an even bigger smile on my face.
Not disposing of negative thoughts for me, by turning them over into positives can have catastrophic results. Even if the solution in a desperate moment, is not expanding on or talking to another about ideation with knives, guns, open windows or whatever. No, I will not insert a winking emoji or anything like that here. ‘Mental Wealth Matters’ are SERIOUS! The best way to make them worse, is to stop talking about them. For me that fact is gospel. I am who I am and today at last, proud of the person that not giving up has made me. Trust me, this is extremely difficult when you are conditioned to hate yourself. I have the utmost respect for those who have used, who they are and their personal stories to demonstrate through them, that there is always hope. It is an extremely difficult thing for me at times to have faith when things are not so well. Seeing others that have conquered such matters, inspires and makes anything attainable in my minds eye. In moments like these, I make a concerted effort to remind myself that I am still here for a reason. It gives me strength and motivates daily knowing that I am not alone. Sharing my story in the hopes that it may give someone else a visual to succeed is a good feeling to have.
However to put things in perspective, without drifting too morbidly into the ‘Darkness’ that still does and will always live inside of me, is that no matter, ‘who, what, when or where, not one of us is getting out of this deal called life, ALIVE! Negative, maybe but nonetheless a reality, certain. Thank you for reading friends, be safe! #LifeIsGold
If you are interested in checking out how ‘Motocross Saved My Life From Its Darkness’ it is available here on multiple platforms. The book is currently listed at 32% off on both Amazon.com and Amazon.ca at the bottom of ‘the book page’ on the site > https://www.brentworrall.com/motocross-saved-my-life.html
Brent 'Airmail' Worrall
Air Mail, from Brent (Airmail) Worrall
Paralyzed Motocrosser / Trauma / Brain Injury / PTSD / Depression Survivor / Writer MXP / Author of Motocross Saved My Life - From Its Darkness